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CHEMO BRAIN: How I got things back on track

“Why are you crying?” my best friend asked. 

We were out on a bike ride together. I had recently finished chemotherapy for breast cancer and was desperate to regain some level of fitness. My lovely friend had agreed to join me on a very slow ride. 

“Because I can’t remember your name,” I said through tears. 

Her name. The name of the woman who had been my biggest supporter throughout my cancer journey. The woman I had known for two decades. My travel companion, confidant, and rock. My go-to girl. One of my best friends in the world. 

But I couldn’t remember it. 

Cancer treatment had stolen my short-term memory. 

It’s called chemo brain. 

It’s well-known, but no-one had warned me about it. 

I was devastated. I’d known I was struggling with my memory during treatment, but up until that point, I’d brushed it aside. There was already so much to deal with: chemo infusions, endless doctor’s appointments, blood tests, and the roller coaster of feeling unwell while trying to grasp at “normal” before the next round. Not to mention the shock, the stress, and the fear that cancer brought into my life. 

But deep down, I knew it wasn’t right. I couldn’t remember three items on a shopping list. I forgot the door code to my own house and the PIN number I’d used since I was a teenager. I used to pride myself on my sharp memory, able to recite long strings of numbers and recall faces and names effortlessly. Now, my four-year-olds were beating me at memory games. 

It was soul-destroying. 

And terrifying. 

I felt stupid. 

I couldn’t imagine ever being capable of going back to work, holding a normal conversation, or studying again. I felt so unlike myself – frustrated, lost, and ashamed.

It took a long time and a lot of work, but I’m proud to say that my brain is pretty much back to normal now.

How did I recover? Partly, just time. But also persistence. Like our bodies, our brains need exercise. I played memory games, did crosswords, and made endless lists. Could I remember four things today? Tomorrow, five? Slowly, my memory improved.

A year after finishing chemo, I summoned my courage and signed up for an online course. It was technical, detailed, and intimidating. I made myself stay organized with my notes and my study habits, 

During my cancer treatment, I’d switched off the news because it felt overwhelming and depressing. As I started healing, I re-engaged with the world. I listened to podcasts while walking, biking, running, or gardening. Little by little, those dormant brain cells began firing up again. 

And slowly, my brain got better. 

Now, two years post-chemo, I’ve returned to work and even launched a new career as a cancer coach. I absolutely love what I do. 

I feel like a better version of myself. 

And yes, I still write a lot of lists.